Chapter 1: Straight Up Cursed Yo
“Hey guys,” announced Chad as he entered the dinner, “my uncle told me we can all stay at his cabin during the last week of summer vacation!”
“That’s rad, Chad, I’m totally in!” said Jennifer, “I got a new bikini I am dying to try out. The cabin is by Lake Windermire right Chad?”
“Yeah it totally is Jen!” said Chad with a smile and a thumb’s up.
“If Jen’s going then Maggie and I are like totally going right?” said Ashley.
“Sounds fun,” said Maggie.
“Dude, it’s not a party without me!” said Zeke as he gave Chad a high five.
“So we got three girls, but we need another guy, and everyone we know is out of town,” said Chad.
That is when I cringed and tried to make myself as small as possible. I knew they were going to ask me to go with them, but I just wanted to eat my pie alone. The whole conversation was a total set up. It was "carefully" planned out in order to convince me to spend time with them. I am sure you are thinking to yourself, “How can you be so conceited?! Jerk!” To that I say it’s not Conceit it’s a curse!
Let me explain before you stop reading a call me a spoiled prick or something. First off have you ever been popular? If you’re reading this chances are you have not. It really sucks. You can’t do anything without it being the talk of the whole damn town. Who you hang out with, talk to, what you said, did, and ate for breakfast suddenly become everyone’s business. People expect things from you and want you to go places and do things with them, but none of them are really your friend. O.k. I can see you getting out your tiny fiddle, so I’ll get to my point. Being popular can be great, but only if you want it, and I mean really want it. If you hate people like I do. If you just want to be left alone it is a curse. More specifically, it’s my curse, given to me by a magical fairy enchantress Beauty and the Beast style.
It happened after school on my fifteenth birthday. My parents called me on my cell phone and wished me a happy birthday. They said they would be out late and that I shouldn't bother to wait up for them, as if that was something we did. I bought myself a cupcake at the gas station and was getting ready to celebrate my birthday alone with it and the monster movie marathon showing on the local access network cable channel. Yeah I had cable and a cell phone but that doesn't mean I’m spoiled, fuck you! I returned home to an empty house just like I liked it. I entered my home turned off the lights unplugged the phones and turned on the t.v.
An episode of Doogie Howser was on, which infuriated me. I don’t care how smart he says he is I don’t want a damn child for a doctor! Here’s a scenario for you, I have a fucking metal pipe sticking out of my neck. “The doctor will see you now sir,” says the nurse and in walks a kid doctor. I’d pull that pipe out myself before I let anyone from that hospital operate on me. I don’t care how many newspaper clippings they show me in the opening credits. I quickly changed the channel to my monster movies. Just as I was about to bite into my delicious chocolate swirl cupcake I heard a knocking at the door. My parents wouldn't be home until late, so I turned off the t.v. and sat perfectly still. They knocked again. “Damn they must have heard me,” I thought and went over to the door and looked out the peephole. There was a small old lady outside. She was so old and disgusting that I thought she might die on my porch! She was carrying and old suit case. I guessed she was a bible salesperson or something, so I shouted, “We don’t want any!” She knocked again. “Go! AWAY! We already have it!” I shouted.
“I’m not selling anything young man,” creaked the woman’s voice, “I would just like a place to stay for the night.”
“There’s a motel 6 near the highway!”
“I was wondering if I could stay with you.”
“Hell no!”
I left the front door plugged the phone back in and began to dial the number for the local police station since it didn’t appear to be an emergency. Then I heard another knock.
“I told you to leave you old bat! I’m calling the police non-emergency number, so you have about twenty minutes to get off my porch!” I yelled.
“It’s not the old lady anymore,” said a sweet voice from just outside my front door, “I am a beautiful woman!”
I went over to the door and looked out the peephole and sure enough a beautiful young woman was standing in front of the door.
“What do you want?” I yelled.
“To spend the night at your beautiful home,” she said.
“Hell no! get off my porch!”
“Joseph Alexander Smith you are just the meanest, cruelest, most self centered little brat in existence”
“So what are you going to do about it?”
Those words were ones I came to regret over and over again. The woman busted through my door and whipped out a sparkly magic wand. “I curse you!” she said, “I curse you to be the thing you hate most in this world!” She waved her wand and had a look of extreme satisfaction on her face as a woosh of sparkles came out from behind her and covered me like a cocoon. “Let me out of here!” I yelled. “Now we shall see what your worst nightmare is” she said, “and the only way to reverse the spell is when you learn a lesson about loving other people before this rose withers away! ha ha ha” She held up a white rose as I fought to get out of the sparkle cocoon.
“If I’m to turn into my worst nightmare I’ll probably look like you when I come out of this,” I said. “You little brat!” she shouted and hit me with her magic wand. Some more sparkles come out and covered me. “Oops! I didn’t mean for that to happen!” she shouted.
“What? What’s happening?!”
“Nothing just um, technical difficulties.”
Inside the cocoon I felt myself changing. I was getting taller, my clothes barely fit me anymore. I tried again to break free and this time I ripped free from the cocoon and smacked the woman in the face with my elbow. This caused her to fall over on top of the rose.
“Owe you did that on purpose!” she pouted.
“Look what you did you crazy ditz you crushed my rose thing! Now I will never be able to return to the way I used to be!”
“Oh my,” said the enchantress, “ the spell went wrong but in the best ways, if you get my drift.”
“I need a mirror!” I shouted, and ran to the bathroom. I flipped on the light and expected to see a beast, but instead I saw something much worse. I was the “popular guy”! You know that guy, the first person you think of that makes you want to punch someone in the face. He was me, or I was him. I looked like someone who could somehow dick his way out of any problem life threw his way. “Finally your looks match your personality,” laughed the fairy, “ha ha magic is fun!” I wanted to cry but my brooding good looks were too much for me to bear. Next, I tried laughing it off, but it looked like I was hitting on myself. I disassembled my father’s disposable razor and got ready to slit my wrists.
“No! What are you doing?!?” shouted the enchantress.
“I can’t live like this!” I said, “I want to be left alone! Can’t you see that this is my worst nightmare? I loved my plain face! Old Joe plain face. Average Joe, that’s me! Not too attractive. Not too ugly. Just right for blending into a crowd. People left me alone, but now… Now what do you think they will do?! You ruined my life!”
“Well, that was the point wasn’t it! Anyway, you can return to normal without the rose you just need to learn your lesson about love. The rose is just a device I use to hurry things along.”
“What the hell, the rose was pointless?! Why would you, you.. you bitch! Get out of my house! Now!”
“Fine, but remember all you have to do in order to return to normal is to truly, genuinely love someone.”
“That’s easy, I already love myself.”
“Someone other than yourself dumb ass!”
With that the enchantress disappeared into a poof of sparkles that took a week to clean (have you ever tried getting sparkles out a carpet? Vacuuming doesn't work, trust me. I was left looking like a ken doll and I was cursed with popularity as well. Above all else the popularity was the worst. Except what was really the worst was that stupid fairy took my chocolate swirl cupcake!
So, flash forward about a year, and I find myself constantly harassed by people who want me to hang out with them. There is no escape from it, and believe me I’ve tried. I dressed in costumes, I have gone a month without brushing my teeth, I’ve gone on an all pie diet, but nothing has worked I can’t even go to my favorite dinner anymore without being forced into some crazy adventure! Happy birthday to me.
I sunk lower on my stool as Chad and Zeke surrounded me. I even hid my face behind my hand but to no avail.
“Joe come with us! Won’t you buddy?” said Chad as he clutched my shoulder with his manly meat paws.
“Yeah,” added Zeke as he gripped my other shoulder, “do us a solid and come along.”
“Great,” said Jenn, “we’ll pick you up at his place at 8am tomorrow.” She handed me a piece of paper. “Here’s my number call me if there are any problems.”
“Sure will,” I said and crumpled her number and threw it across the room. She laughed and said, “You’re so funny! Oh course there won't be any problems, but still I want you to have this.” She wrote her number down again and put it in my shirt pocket.
I finished my pie and went home to be alone. When I got there my mom told me some guys were in my room. Two guys from my homeroom were waiting for me upstairs playing Mortal Kombat II. I bought for myself and hadn’t even opened yet and I have to come home to these losers disrespecting my shit. They just made themselves at home and grabbed some sodas out of my mini fridge and snacks from the kitchen. My room was a goddamn mess! I wanted to yell at them but I had more pressing matters to deal with. I sat at my desk and pondered how I could get out of going on the trip the next day.
“I could run away, no that won’t work, they’d find me. Maybe I could.. No,” I mumbled to myself
“Are you trying to get out of a date or something? Just call and tell her you’re sick.” said one of the guys, “that’s how girls get out of dating me.”
“Good Idea… guy,” I said.
“My name is Randy, we have three classes and homeroom together I can’t believe you don’t remember my name! God popular people are such ass holes”
“Couldn’t agree more,” said the other one. They both shared a laugh at my expense, as they played my video games, drank my soda and ate my leftover pie.
“Goddamnit Randy get the fuck out of my Motherfucking house NOW!” I yelled at the top of my lungs.
“You know what Joe,” said Randy, “I take back what I said earlier, you’re an alright dude.”
“GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!”
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