Chapter 5: Death wishes
There was a huge poof of smoke and Zeke was suddenly sitting across the backgammon table from Cornelius. Zeke was still noticeably trembling, and crying. “Don’t kill me yo,” he whimpered, “I didn’t know the dice was cursed man.” Cornelius didn’t seem persuaded by Zeke’s argument and set up his side of the backgammon board.
“I don’t even know how to play backgammon dude, this is wickety wack,” said Zeke.
“Just like set your’s up like his or whatever,” said Ashley.
“Yeah dude, it can’t be that hard,” said Chad.
Zeke set his checkers up like the demon’s. Once he did they rolled the dice to see who would go first. Of course Cornelius won, and he started the game. Zeke rolled the dice next. “What do I do now Ashley?” he asked.
“Like don’t look at me I don’t know how to play. That first part was like totally common sense or whatever,” said Ashley.
“Does anyone know how to play? My life is on the line yo!” said Zeke.
“My dad taught me once,” said Maggie, “You have to move the checkers around the board from triangle to triangle until you get them to your home.”
“A very simple way to put it,” mocked Cornelius. He had a very smug look on his face and fingered the doubles die. Zeke rolled a one and a two. Maggie tried to remember all she could about the game and coached Zeke through his move. Cornelius continued to roll high numbers and started playing a running game. After a few more turns, Cornelius had a distinct advantage. before his next turn, he took out the doubling cube. “Let’s make this more interesting shall we?” he said and put the cube out on the board. “Normally we double the points, but this time let’s double the souls,” he said. Zeke looked around to see what he should do. “You have to take accept or you lose,” said Maggie. Cornelius smiled evilly. “I want his soul as well,” said Cornelius and pointed at me. “Take my soul instead!” said Jenn. She was still clinging to me tightly.
“All in good time, girl, but for now I want his!” said Cornelius.
“What do you have to give us when we win?” I asked, “I don’t see another fucking Cornelius around here anywhere.”
“I will grant you a wish,” said Cornelius.
“DEAL!” I shouted.
I was going to use the wish to finally kill that goddamn fairy once and for all. “Get the hell out of my seat Zeke,” I said, “You have to be the shittest backgammon player of all time!” Like I said before, when you spend a lot of time alone you get really good at a lot of things, because you are not wasting precious time on talking to other people. I used my time alone to get really good at all the board games we had in our house, and backgammon was one of them. When I was fourteen I once played backgammon and a few other board games against myself non stop for six months. In a few turns I had completely turned the game around I played a two-way forward attack and soon most of Cornelius’ checkers were trapped on the bar.
“Like oh my God we’re like totally winning!” cheered Ashley.
“What the fuck Joe, You knew now to play this whole time and you were going to let Zeke die?!” exclaimed Chad.
“You mad, trippin Joe,” said Zeke.
“Shut the hell up and just be glad you aren’t going to die now!” I said.
“You haven’t won yet you little bastard,” growled Cornelius. He took the dice and rolled a high number. “Ha ha, what do you say to that?” he said. “Double the stakes,” I said and slammed the doubling cube on the table. “I want two wishes and we all get to return to the cabin safely,” I said. Cornelius leaned back in his chair and grinned. “And if you lose I get all of your souls,” he said.
“Yeah, whatever you want,” I said nonchalantly
“You really are a piece of work aren’t you?” said Cornelius.
“Do you accept my doubling or not?”
“If I don’t accept I am down to just Zeke’s soul, not a bad prize. Although it would be nice to collect the whole set.”
“Wait a minute,” said Chad, “Don’t gamble with our lives here!”
“DEAL!” said Cornelius, “now I can start playing my real game. Mwahahaha!”
“His real game!,” shrieked Chad, “I knew it! He was holding back and now we’re all going to die!”
Cornelius had a few good turns after that and he blocked me with a back game, but I had used the same strategy several times while playing backgammon against myself and I knew how to beat it, but it would require some amount of luck, or I could always cheat! More than likely Cornelius was already cheating or planning on cheating me out of my goddamn wishes. Have you ever know a demon to be straight up with his wishes? Oh God Zeke is rubbing off on me! anyway, more than likely it would be some sort of monkey’s paw shit, like you ask for a million dollars and it ends up being stolen so you go to jail. Fuck that shit, I’m not going to jail and this bastard was not going to get my soul.
“Hey ghost,” I whispered, “can you hear me?”
“Hello Joe,” whispered Dolly, “he is such a looker! I wish I was alive again and a few years younger then I would..”
“Hey, I can hear all that. Control your self and pay attention.”
“I wish you would call me Honey,”
“What the fuck! I’m trying to talk to you about something important here, I need you to help me cheat. You have to turn all invisible and change the outcome of the dice for me. On my next roll make sure that the dice turn up as a six and a four then after that I’ll need two threes then a five and a six and then I’ll win.”
“I’m not doing anything unless you call me Honey first.”
“Fine.... honey, you are so fine I want to sex you up, now help me fucking cheat already.”
I rolled the dice and Dollie came through for me twice. Cornelius was playing a pretty good game himself and it was going to be down to the next few turns. I took the dice in my hands but then Cornelius said, “Wait, give me that locket boy!” He reached out his hand to take the locket and Dollie away from me. “No, fuck off!” I said. He didn’t seem happy with that statement.
“You've been cheating,” he said.
“That’s what losers always say,”
“I have never lost a game of backgammon in my life I’m Cornelius the backgammon demon and there’s no way you are this close to beating me without cheating.”
“You’re just a fucking loser, Cornelius... and you know what my first wish will be for you to eat shit for the rest of your life.”
“GIVE ME THE LOCKET!”
“NO!”
Cornelius jumped over the table and tried to grab the locket. I held it just out of his reach, so he missed it, but he had sharp claws and when he swiped for the locket they left huge gashes in my arm. I was bleeding all over the the place, and I was mad as hell. I did the first thing that came to mind and threw my dice right at his ugly red face. They bounced off and landed on the backgammon board. The dice were in fair play. Everyone turned their attention to the board even Cornelius stopped trying to kill me to see the outcome of the roll. The dice bounced back and forth across the board. The first one stopped and settled on a five. The second one was still going. I looked all around and saw everyone was staring at the dice with anticipation, even Dollie the ghost. Mother fucker! She was looking at the dice instead of cheating! I gave her a death stare and she shrugged at me. It was kind of hard staying pissed at a ghost with her face half blown off. The momentum of the die stopped and it landed on a two. We lost, then we all died.
THE END
Just kidding, that shit landed on a SIX motherfucker! OH YEAH! In the blink of an eye we were back in the living room with Cornelius. “Well, I lost,” he said in a voice that thinly masked his anger. “Yeah and you were such a bitch about it too.” I said wrapping my bloody arm in a piece of cloth I ripped from the bottom of my T- Shirt. “You get two wishes,” said Cornelius,” but there are a few rules. First I can’t make anyone fall in love with anyone else, however I can turn them into a mindless slave that will do whatever you say.” He then knowingly winked at Jennifer.
“Just get to the rest!” said Chad.
“Fine, you can’t wish for more wishes, two is all you get,” said Cornelius.
“Seems kinda cheap,” I said, “considering you tore my arm to pieces.”
“Last is I can’t kill anyone, but there are always fates worse than death, ha ha ha,” laughed Cornelius, “Oh yeah and one more thing is you have to start your wish with, ‘I wish.’”
“Huddle up everyone,” said Chad, “There are six of us and we only have two wishes, so we should discuss them, and come up with ones that will benefit all of us.” Chad motioned for everyone to come into a huddle. “Why are we even talking about this,” I said, “I won the fucking game so I should get the wishes.” Dollie popped out of the locket and said, “You didn't win by yourself remember.” "O.k. fine just be quiet about that," I said under my breath. “Yeah,” said Jenn, “I saved you !” Ashley rolled her eyes and said, “As If, you didn’t do anything Jenn. He would have like toasted your ass like, duh!”
“Yo, can we just talk about this ghost? Cuz I’m bugging over here!” said Zeke.
“Hi, I’m Dollie I live in a locket and I cursed Maggie for a while. I’m sorry Maggie,” said Dollie.
“It’s cool,” said Maggie.
“Let’s get back to the matter at hand the wishes,” said Brad.
“We should wish for mad stacks like a zillion dollars each!” said Zeke.
“Ahem,” I said, “first of all a zillion is not a real dollar amount retard, and second do you want your whole family to die? Cuz that’s what happens when you wish for money! We have to consider the real possibility that these wishes could go horribly wrong. The red bastard already hates us for beating him at his stupid game, so he’ll try to exploit any loophole he can think of to get over on us.”
“For once I agree with Joe, we can’t go into this wishing haphazardly,” said Chad.
I looked over at Cornelius and he was leaning against the wall with very smug look on his face. Like he was the smartest mother fucker in the whole damn room. My anger boiled up and in that moment I didn’t care about anything else but getting my revenge. The other's were talking over the wish but I couldn't concentrate on anything but my intense hate for that red prick. I hated him even more that that asshole fairy.
O.k.,” said Chad, “we all agreed on world peace for the first wish…”
“I WISH, “ I shouted, and looked Cornelius straight in the eyes. Both of our eyes narrowed in anticipation for what would come next. Chad and Zeke grabbed me and tried to cover my mouth, but I fought them off and continued. “I wish that you, Cornelius shit out of your mouth at least ten times a day and every time you hated it more than the last time, so much so that you cry from disgust and self loathing every time it happens, and it will happen at random times so that you never know when or where it will happen. It will be like all the sudden BAM you are eating shit and crying!” Cornelius cleared his throat and looked nervous, but also mad as hell. “Your wish is ahem... my command,” he said between gritted teeth, “but every wish has a consequence and for this wish the consequence is… Blech… baha.. cough..” Cornelius suddenly began to weep uncontrollably. It looked like his mouth was filling up with something. “Like ew gross!” said Ashley. “Look away everyone,” said Maggie, “there are somethings you can’t unsee.” I didn’t look away though, I wanted to see every tear roll down his smug red face. When it was all over Dollie made Cornelius clean up after himself and eat a breath mint.
“Joe you asshole!” yelled Chad, “You wasted a wish on your stupid revenge. We were going to wish for world peace.”
“Oh and how would you have asked for that in a way that would not have ended in a fucking totalitarian dystopia?” I asked.
“We would have found a way, God I wish you weren’t such a selfish bastard!”
“Your wish is my command,” said Cornelius with an evil smile.
“What, what!” said Chad.
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