Strange Dream #1

I had a strange dream the other night.

I was living in a house boat that was attached to the shore.  It had only three walls and a roof and the place where the forth wall should have been was open to the ocean.

I noticed that a hippopotamus was swimming toward me and the people I was with in the houseboat.  Then someone threw it a peanut butter sandwich.  The hippo ate it and came closer.  I thought this was a very bad idea because hippos are very dangerous and kill more people than lions do.  The hippo didn't attack us though because there was also an elephant in the water.  The elephant was blocking the hippo's path and it was completely submerged in the water.  It stuck its trunk out of the water like a para scope and swam around next to the house boat.  I looked over the edge of the boat to get a better look at it.  The water was clear, so I could see it was swimming next to a brick wall with lots of round, evenly spaced holes in it.

Kind of like this but a lot of them, evenly spaced, and under water.

Suddenly a long red octopus tentacle darted out of one of the holes and grabbed the elephant.  The octopus pulled it's tentacle back into the hole along with the elephant.  The elephant was much larger than the whole so it had to squish through the hole like it was made out of goo.  I stepped back from the water's edge in shock and horror.

Then it was time for us eat.  For some unknown reason everyone was eating cats, and I was eating my sister's childhood cat fur and all.  It was still alive and getting eaten didn't seem to bother it at all.  I ate it starting with the tail and working my way up to the head.  The whole time the cat was laying down and letting me eat it.  When it came time to eat the head I was told that I had to bite down really hard and kill it fast or else it would realize I was being eaten and bite me.  At this point I was starting to realize what I was doing was gross and horrible.  I really didn't want to kill the cat, but it was only a head at this point.  I strengthened my resolve and decided to put the cat out of it's misery.  I stuffed it's head in my mouth and bit down hard.  The cat died and I choked down the head.  

After I ate the cat I began to cry because the cat belonged to my sister and she and I would miss it a lot.  It really was one of the best cats I ever knew.

The End

The Self Aware Teen: Chapter 6

Chapter 6: House of Curses

“I can’t change his personality, but whenever he is behaving selfishly he will experience intense physical pain, and pretty soon the behavior will correct itself.  Kind of like training a dog not to pee on the carpet,” said Cornelius.

“Like actually, you are supposed to use positive reinforcement to like encourage good behavior, instead of like punishment or whatever,” said Ashley.

“Yeah, I heard that too,” agreed Maggie, “punishment techniques will just confuse and frighten the animal.  If you really want a well behaved dog you should patiently train them with treats.”

“Excuse me, but I’ve raised hell hounds for hundreds of years and the only thing they respond to is who has the biggest club to bash them over the head with, although it is cute how you two think you know something about the subject.” said Cornelius.

“Can we stop talking about me like I’m a goddamn dog?!” I said.  A small shock coursed through my body.  “Owe!” I said.  Cornelius smiled and said, “You will note that the more unpleasant your behavior are the more it will hurt.”

“Who’s in charge of deciding that asshole? You?” I asked.

ZAP!  A small lightning bolt of pain coursed through my body and I fell to my knees.

“Well actually it’s Chad who’s deciding.  Normally I would use the wishes to punish the wisher, but in this case I will make an exception,” laughed Cornelius, “With that I bid you Adieu.”  He bowed and disappeared in the blink of an eye.

“Come back you piece of shit demon!” I shouted, “FUCK!  SHIT! FUCKING ASS!! OWE!!!! Goddamit!”  Chad zapped me extra strong, and soon I was shaking on the floor.  “Stop being so vulgar in the presence of a ladies,” said Chad and he smiled at Jenn.  Jenn on the other hand didn’t reciprocate his affections and instead helped me up.  “What’s your damage Chad?  You didn’t have to hurt him so much,” said Jenn as she helped me sit on the couch.  Chad sheathed with jealousy and sat down on the loveseat.  “Like I’m totally going getting out of this place,” said Ashley, “Come on Meg lets like grab the keys and like splitsville.”  “Ashley is speaking truth yo, I’ma grab my stuff,” agreed Zeke  “I’ve got the keys right here.” said Megan.  She reached for the front door but Dollie jumped out of the locket and stopped her.  “NO,” she shouted, “the doorknob is cursed. Woo!  Your hand will turn into a toad!”  Megan pulled her hand away and stepped back from the door.

“Like whatever,” said Ashley, “We’ve used it plenty of times and like no one’s hand is a toad.”

“Yes, wooo, but you used it during the day, but the sun is down now, and some of the curses are only active during a certain time of the day,” explained Dollie.

“Dollie,” said Chad, “do you know what in the house is cursed and what’s not?”

“Yes, because I am also cursed I can see the cures give off a shimmer, but I was in the lake for about ten years so there may have been some new curses added to the house that I don’t know about.  Joe should be able to see it too, because he is also cursed, woo,” said Dollie.

“Joe is cursed!  Oh no!” exclaimed Jenn and wrapped her arms around me.  I struggled to break free, but it was no use.  

“Like what could he be cursed with good looks and popularity, as if,” said Ashley.

“Well actually that’s exactly what it is,” said Chad.

I broke free from Jenn and stood in the middle of the room.  The objects seemed pretty normal to me, but then I looked at Dollie’s locket and noticed a faint shimmer.  I looked around the room and suddenly saw lot of shimmering objects.  The shimmer soon faded, but as soon as I looked at another object that I knew was cursed all the cursed objects began to shimmer again.  I tried to control when I could see the shimmer and when I could not.  It took a while but I was able to master it.

“What the fuck are you doing?” asked Chad, “You’ve been standing there motionless for ten minutes!”

“It is a fucking insane amount of cursed items in this room alone,” I said.

“Yup, I’ve been hanging around this place for a long time and seen a lot of good folk get in a heap of trouble just trying to get away,” said Dollie, “and as for us Joe,  There ain't no getting away.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked.

“Welp,” said Dollie, “see that there cursed bottle cap Chad is playing with.”

“This is CURSED!!” exclaimed Chad and threw the bottle cap away in disgust.  The bottle cap flew around the room and hit Chad in the back of head before falling to the floor.

“... or those cursed earrings Ashley’s wearing?” continued Dollie, “Well, them and plenty more have tried to escape and been brought back every single time.  Heck you even brought me back from the lake, woo.”

“Like ewe, I’m wearing cursed earrings!” exclaimed Ashley.  She tried to take them out of her ears but the wouldn’t come out.  “Like OMG, they’re not coming out!” screamed Ashley as she pulled on them. “They have a soul trapped inside them just like my locket,  I’m sorry honey but those earrings ain’t coming off,” said Dollie.

“Well, are they like real gold?” asked Ashley.

“One hundred percent pure,” said Dollie.

“Will they like possess me or whatever?”

“Nope but they won’t come off until you die.”

“Then, I can just like get a second piercing or whatever, no big deal.  But like more importantly you guys, I’m like totally cursed too!  Joe we have like so much in common!” said Ashley.  “In that case I want to be cursed like Joe!” said Jenn, “Which is the best cursed object?”  “Well…” said Dollie, “the whole point of curses are they’re all powerful bad. Woo.”  “Gold earrings and good looks don’t seem bad to me,” said Jenn as she searched the room for something to pick up.

“Yeah Jenn,” exclaimed Chad, “Don’t just randomly pick us something we barely got out of that backgammon game with our lives!”

“I don’t care Chad,” cried Jenn, “I’m going to be cursed and there is nothing you can do to stop me!”

“All this conversating made me mad hungry yo.  I think I saw some apples in the kitchen.  does anyone else want one?” asked Zeke.

“Zeke, we’re having a serious conversation here go get your apple and leave us alone,” snapped Chad.

Zeke walked into the kitchen half dejected, but his hunger for fruit inspired Jenn.  “Look,” she exclaimed, “there’s a bowl of fake fruit on the table!  Is that cursed?”  “Yes, but you don’t want to touch it!” exclaimed Dolly.  Jenn reached for the fruit, but Dolly got in her way. “Grab her Joe!  WOOO!”  I caught Jenn by the arms and held on tight.  She flailed her legs and screamed, “Let me go!  I want to stay here with you!”  I held on tight, Chad came over and grabbed her flailing legs.  He tried to help me calm her down, but Jenn was determined to get free.  She got one leg lose and kicked the table with the plastic fruit on it.  All the shit on the table went flying up into the air including the plastic fruit.  “Don’t touch that fruit wooo!” yelled Dolly, but it was too late, the plastic apple was headed straight for Chad’s head.  At that point everything thing seemed to run in slow motion.  Chad dropped Jenn’s feet and covered his face with his arms like a bitch.  The plastic apple was just about to hit him when Maggie reached out and snatched it out of the air with her bare hand.

“NO!” cried Dolly.

“I-I wasn’t thinking I just, my hand just… I-I had to s-save you Chad,” stammered Maggie.

“Maggie no!  WHY!” cried Chad.

Maggie’s skin was starting to turn red.  She fell to her knees and hugged her stomach.  Jenn stopped fighting to get free and her knees gave out as Maggie’s skin darkened into a deep red.

“Do you want to know something Chad,” she said.

“What is it Maggie?” said Chad as squatted down to her eye level.

“Ever since we were kids, *cough*” Maggie coughed violently and fell to the ground.  She curled up into the fetal position.  It looked like her curled up body was melting into itself.  Tears started streaming down Chad’s face as he scooped her up in her arms.  The plastic apple rolled out of her hand and onto the floor.  “Ever since we were kids,” she whispered.  Chad stroked Maggie’s hair and looked her in the eyes.  “Ever since we were..” strained Maggie.  “I know,” said Chad, “I know.”  Chad wrapped his arms around her.  It was hard to see what happened next but Maggie’s body seemed to shrink rapidly and Chad sat hunched over in silence.

“Chad, like what happened!” screamed Ashley, “where’s Maggie?”

Chad turned around with beautiful, spotless red apple in his hand and said, “This is Maggie.”  Just then Zeke walked in eating a fucking apple.  The whole room fell silent.  “What’s going on?” asked Zeke as he chomped into the apple.  “Maggie was turned into an apple, by some cursed plastic fruit,” said Jenn.  Zeke dropped the apple he was eating and let whatever was in his mouth fall onto the floor.

The Self Aware Teen: Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Death wishes

There was a huge poof of smoke and Zeke was suddenly sitting across the backgammon table from Cornelius.  Zeke was still noticeably trembling, and crying.  “Don’t kill me yo,” he whimpered, “I didn’t know the dice was cursed man.”  Cornelius didn’t seem persuaded by Zeke’s argument and set up his side of the backgammon board.  

“I don’t even know how to play backgammon dude, this is wickety wack,” said Zeke.

“Just like set your’s up like his or whatever,” said Ashley.

“Yeah dude, it can’t be that hard,” said Chad.

Zeke set his checkers up like the demon’s.  Once he did they rolled the dice to see who would go first.  Of course Cornelius won, and he started the game.  Zeke rolled the dice next.  “What do I do now Ashley?” he asked.

“Like don’t look at me I don’t know how to play.  That first part was like totally common sense or whatever,” said Ashley.

“Does anyone know how to play?  My life is on the line yo!” said Zeke.

“My dad taught me once,” said Maggie, “You have to move the checkers around the board from triangle to triangle until you get them to your home.”

“A very simple way to put it,” mocked Cornelius.  He had a very smug look on his face and fingered the doubles die.  Zeke rolled a one and a two.  Maggie tried to remember all she could about the game and coached Zeke through his move.  Cornelius continued to roll high numbers and started playing a running game.  After a few more turns, Cornelius had a distinct advantage.  before his next turn, he took out the doubling cube.  “Let’s make this more interesting shall we?” he said and put the cube out on the board.  “Normally we double the points, but this time let’s double the souls,” he said.  Zeke looked around to see what he should do.  “You have to take accept or you lose,” said Maggie.  Cornelius smiled evilly.  “I want his soul as well,” said Cornelius and pointed at me.  “Take my soul instead!” said Jenn.  She was still clinging to me tightly.

“All in good time, girl, but for now I want his!” said Cornelius.

“What do you have to give us when we win?” I asked, “I don’t see another fucking Cornelius around here anywhere.”

“I will grant you a wish,” said Cornelius.

“DEAL!” I shouted.

I was going to use the wish to finally kill that goddamn fairy once and for all.  “Get the hell out of my seat Zeke,” I said, “You have to be the shittest backgammon player of all time!” Like I said before, when you spend a lot of time alone you get really good at a lot of things, because you are not wasting precious time on talking to other people.  I used my time alone to get really good at all the board games we had in our house, and backgammon was one of them.  When I was fourteen I once played backgammon and a few other board games against myself non stop for six months.  In a few turns I had completely turned the game around I played a two-way forward attack and soon most of Cornelius’ checkers were trapped on the bar.

“Like oh my God we’re like totally winning!” cheered Ashley.

“What the fuck Joe, You knew now to play this whole time and you were going to let Zeke die?!” exclaimed Chad.

“You mad, trippin Joe,” said Zeke.

“Shut the hell up and just be glad you aren’t going to die now!” I said.

“You haven’t won yet you little bastard,” growled Cornelius.  He took the dice and rolled a high number.  “Ha ha, what do you say to that?” he said. “Double the stakes,” I said and slammed the doubling cube on the table.  “I want two wishes and we all get to return to the cabin safely,” I said.  Cornelius leaned back in his chair and grinned.  “And if you lose I get all of your souls,” he said.  

“Yeah, whatever you want,” I said nonchalantly

“You really are a piece of work aren’t you?” said Cornelius.

“Do you accept my doubling or not?”

“If I don’t accept I am down to just Zeke’s soul, not a bad prize.  Although it would be nice to collect the whole set.”

“Wait a minute,” said Chad, “Don’t gamble with our lives here!”

“DEAL!” said Cornelius, “now I can start playing my real game.  Mwahahaha!”

“His real game!,” shrieked Chad, “I knew it! He was holding back and now we’re all going to die!”

Cornelius had a few good turns after that and he blocked me with a back game, but I had used the same strategy several times while playing backgammon against myself and I knew how to beat it, but it would require some amount of luck, or I could always cheat!  More than likely Cornelius was already cheating or planning on cheating me out of my goddamn wishes.  Have you ever know a demon to be straight up with his wishes? Oh God Zeke is rubbing off on me!  anyway, more than likely it would be some sort of monkey’s paw shit, like you ask for a million dollars and it ends up being stolen so you go to jail.  Fuck that shit, I’m not going to jail and this bastard was not going to get my soul.

“Hey ghost,” I whispered, “can you hear me?”

“Hello Joe,” whispered Dolly, “he is such a looker! I wish I was alive again and a few years younger then I would..”

“Hey, I can hear all that.  Control your self and pay attention.”

“I wish you would call me Honey,”

“What the fuck! I’m trying to talk to you about something important here, I need you to help me cheat.  You have to turn all invisible and change the outcome of the dice for me.  On my next roll make sure that the dice turn up as a six and a four then after that I’ll need two threes then a five and a six and then I’ll win.”

“I’m not doing anything unless you call me Honey first.”

“Fine.... honey, you are so fine I want to sex you up, now help me fucking cheat already.”

I rolled the dice and Dollie came through for me twice.  Cornelius was playing a pretty good game himself and it was going to be down to the next few turns.  I took the dice in my hands but then Cornelius said, “Wait, give me that locket boy!”  He reached out his hand to take the locket and Dollie away from me.  “No, fuck off!” I said.  He didn’t seem happy with that statement.

“You've been cheating,” he said.

“That’s what losers always say,”

“I have never lost a game of backgammon in my life I’m Cornelius the backgammon demon and there’s no way you are this close to beating me without cheating.”

“You’re just a fucking loser, Cornelius... and you know what my first wish will be for you to eat shit for the rest of your life.”

“GIVE ME THE LOCKET!”

“NO!”

Cornelius jumped over the table and tried to grab the locket.  I held it just out of his reach, so he missed it, but he had sharp claws and when he swiped for the locket they left huge gashes in my arm.  I was bleeding all over the the place, and I was mad as hell.  I did the first thing that came to mind and threw my dice right at his ugly red face.  They bounced off and landed on the backgammon board.  The dice were in fair play.  Everyone turned their attention to the board even Cornelius stopped trying to kill me to see the outcome of the roll.  The dice bounced back and forth across the board.  The first one stopped and settled on a five.  The second one was still going.  I looked all around and saw everyone was staring at the dice with anticipation, even Dollie the ghost. Mother fucker!  She was looking at the dice instead of cheating!  I gave her a death stare and she shrugged at me.  It was kind of hard staying pissed at a ghost with her face half blown off.  The momentum of the die stopped and it landed on a two.  We lost, then we all died.

THE END

Just kidding, that shit landed on a SIX motherfucker!  OH YEAH! In the blink of an eye we were back in the living room with Cornelius.  “Well, I lost,” he said in a voice that thinly masked his anger.  “Yeah and you were such a bitch about it too.” I said wrapping my bloody arm in a piece of cloth I ripped from the bottom of my T- Shirt.  “You get two wishes,” said Cornelius,” but there are a few rules.  First I can’t make anyone fall in love with anyone else, however I can turn them into a mindless slave that will do whatever you say.”  He then knowingly winked at Jennifer.  

“Just get to the rest!” said Chad.  

“Fine, you can’t wish for more wishes, two is all you get,” said Cornelius.

“Seems kinda cheap,” I said, “considering you tore my arm to pieces.”

“Last is I can’t kill anyone, but there are always fates worse than death, ha ha ha,” laughed Cornelius, “Oh yeah and one more thing is you have to start your wish with, ‘I wish.’”

“Huddle up everyone,” said Chad, “There are six of us and we only have two wishes, so we should discuss them, and come up with ones that will benefit all of us.”  Chad motioned for everyone to come into a huddle.  “Why are we even talking about this,” I said, “I won the fucking game so I should get the wishes.”  Dollie popped out of the locket and said, “You didn't win by yourself remember.” "O.k. fine just be quiet about that," I said under my breath.  “Yeah,” said Jenn, “I saved you !”  Ashley rolled her eyes and said, “As If, you didn’t do anything Jenn.  He would have like toasted your ass like, duh!”

“Yo, can we just talk about this ghost? Cuz I’m bugging over here!” said Zeke.

“Hi, I’m Dollie I live in a locket and I cursed Maggie for a while.  I’m sorry Maggie,” said Dollie.

“It’s cool,” said Maggie.

“Let’s get back to the matter at hand the wishes,” said Brad.

“We should wish for mad stacks like a zillion dollars each!” said Zeke.

“Ahem,” I said, “first of all a zillion is not a real dollar amount retard, and second do you want your whole family to die?  Cuz that’s what happens when you wish for money!  We have to consider the real possibility that these wishes could go horribly wrong.  The red bastard already hates us for beating him at his stupid game, so he’ll try to exploit any loophole he can think of to get over on us.”

“For once I agree with Joe, we can’t go into this wishing haphazardly,” said Chad.

I looked over at Cornelius and he was leaning against the wall with very smug look on his face.  Like he was the smartest mother fucker in the whole damn room.  My anger boiled up and in that moment I didn’t care about anything else but getting my revenge. The other's were talking over the wish but I couldn't concentrate on anything but my intense hate for that red prick. I hated him even more that that asshole fairy.

O.k.,” said Chad, “we all agreed on world peace for the first wish…”

“I WISH, “ I shouted, and looked Cornelius straight in the eyes. Both of our eyes narrowed in anticipation for what would come next.  Chad and Zeke grabbed me and tried to cover my mouth, but I fought them off and continued. “I wish that you, Cornelius shit out of your mouth at least ten times a day and every time you hated it more than the last time, so much so that you cry from disgust and self loathing every time it happens, and it will happen at random times so that you never know when or where it will happen.  It will be like all the sudden BAM you are eating shit and crying!”  Cornelius cleared his throat and looked nervous, but also mad as hell.  “Your wish is ahem... my command,” he said between gritted teeth, “but every wish has a consequence and for this wish the consequence is… Blech… baha.. cough..”  Cornelius suddenly began to weep uncontrollably.  It looked like his mouth was filling up with something.  “Like ew gross!” said Ashley.  “Look away everyone,” said Maggie, “there are somethings you can’t unsee.”  I didn’t look away though, I wanted to see every tear roll down his smug red face.  When it was all over Dollie made Cornelius clean up after himself and eat a breath mint.

“Joe you asshole!” yelled Chad, “You wasted a wish on your stupid revenge.  We were going to wish for world peace.”

“Oh and how would you have asked for that in a way that would not have ended in a fucking totalitarian dystopia?” I asked.

“We would have found a way, God I wish you weren’t such a selfish bastard!”

“Your wish is my command,” said Cornelius with an evil smile.

“What, what!” said Chad.

The Self aware Teen: Chapter 4

Chapter Four: The Ghost

As soon as I got inside the cabin I went up to my room.  I knew I would be taking a risk, but i decided to use my key and open the locket.  As soon as I turned the tiny key in the little lock the locket sprang open.  Side note here, I know I am bitter as hell but even I had to admit tiny keys and locks are pretty damn cute.  Anyway, as soon as the damn thing sprang open a creepy ghost fog spilled out of it and then gathered on my bedroom floor.  It keep coming out until it looked like my entire floor was covered in a misty cloud.  The temperature in the room dropped to about 30 degrees. It was so fucking cold that I could see my breath.  I sat on my bed and curled up in an old quilt.  I sat and waited for whatever it was to come and get me.  Out of nowhere, a cold wind blew on the back of my neck and made my hairs stand on end.  A chill ran down my spine and my whole body shivered.  I looked behind me and nothing was there.  I knew the second I turned back around the motherfucking ghost would be staring me in the face, so I waited where I was for a while.  I felt more cold wind on the side of my neck, but I didn’t budge.  The cold wind grew stronger and I could hear the sound of heavy breathing but I still didn’t turn.  “WOOOO!” said the ghost in a high and airy voice.  I figured I messed around with it enough and finally turned to see it’s ugly face right next to mine.  “Yuck,” I said, and slapped it’s face away.

“Yuck!? said the ghost, “not even a little scream?  I mean look at me I’ve got pale skin, half my face is gone, you can see right through me and all you can say is yuck! Wooooooo.”

“Look ghost, you don’t know me, so don’t expect everyone to react the same way that's just ignorant.  The world doesn’t always conform to your way of thinking.  There are different people with different sensibilities.”

“Kids these days, wooo,” said the ghost with a roll of her eye.  The ghost was dressed in an old fashioned white dress, and it looked like half her head had been shot off with a shotgun.  She was probably pretty good looking before she got shot and I guessed she was the spirit who had been possessing Maggie earlier.  I looked at the two pictures in the locket. The pictures were pretty old and soaked with water, so it was hard to make out faces.  I had to think quickly to find out if she would be like a Patrick Swayze ghost or Shining ghost, neither of which were appealing to me at the moment.

“Do you know how to make pottery?” I asked.

“I AM GOING TO RIP OUT YOUR HEART AND FEAST ON YOUR SOUL WOOOO!” screamed the ghost and chomped at me with her half mouth.

“It’s a simple question, do you or don’t you know how to make clay pots!”

“YES, alright yes, I can do pottery!  There, are you happy now?!  You are powerful annoying, wooo.”

“I’m annoying?!  Which one of us gets in people’s faces and ends every sentence with a motherfucking woo?”

“I don’t end every sentence with wooo, and you sure do have a sailor’s mouth… woo,”

“Seriously though, is it because you’re ghost now, or did you always end your sentences like that?”

“It’s because I’m a ghost obviously... but then again I don’t really remember how I talked before I was murdered, wooo.  I WAS MURDERED I HAVE TO KILL EVERYONE!! I NEED MY REVENGE!! WOOOO!!”

With that the ghost started flying around the room like a balloon emptying itself from air.  She knocked over my night stand and broke my lamp.  She slammed into the walls and knocked off all the pictures and they crashed to the ground. There were pieces of glass all over the place and I was about to lose my shit.

“Look what you did you son of a bitch ghost!  Who’s gonna clean up this mess?  I don’t want to step on glass in the middle of the night!  Do you want me to cut my foot and bleed to death?!”

The ghost stopped rampaging and looked at me with shame in her eye.

“Oh, no I’m dreadful sorry,” she said, “I don’t think of that. Woo.”

“No, apparently you can go on a rampage and a killing spree and not think about how it will affect me!  Did you realize that if you killed all the people I’m with I would have to drive home all by my self?!  I don’t have any money for gas!  I was basically kidnapped in the first place, but you didn’t think of any of that did you?!”

“No, woo.  I didn’t.”

“Well start!  And go and get a damn broom!”

The ghost left, and quickly came back with the broom and cleaned up the mess she made.  After she was finished I heard the idiots walk through the door.  I took the locket and the key and went down to meet them.  Maggie was still a bit woozy from being possessed but all in all she was fine.  The others looked a little sunburned and tired but they were in good spirits.  Chad saw me and motioned for me to come over.  Zeke, Ashley and Jenn went into the kitchen to get dinner started, and Maggie laid down on the couch to recover.

“So, What’s up with the necklace?” said Chad.

“It’s got a fucking ghost in it, Chad.”

“I know that retard!  I’m asking what’s the deal with it.”

“Come out ghost,” I ordered, and held up the locket.  The ghost peeked her grotesque half head out of the necklace.  Chad screamed loudly and fell over.  The ghost and I laughed.  

“Owe, Chadette, you were swoo scawed did the baby pee his wittle diaper?” I mocked.  

“Now that’s what I’m talking about! WOOO!” said the ghost.

“Fuck you, it’s not funny!  I almost died!” said Chad.

“Boo whoo woo, you almost died.  Well, I did die!  My lover shot me IN THE FACE!! WOOO!!” screamed the ghost.

“Not this again,” I said, “Your boyfriend was an asshole we know.”

“HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE?!” asked a voice from the kitchen.

“NOTHING!” the three of us said together.

“Anyway,” said Chad, “What are we going to do with, um.. What’s your name?”

“I don’t remember,” said the ghost.

“What would you like us to call you?” asked Chad.

“Well I’ve always liked the name Dollie,” said the ghost.

“I like ghost better,” I said.

“Joe you have to be the least creative person on the planet!  We’re calling you Dollie,” said Chad.

“Dinner’s like totally ready!” called Ashley from the dining room.  Chad and I woke up Maggie and took our seats at the table.  The place settings were marked with our names and not surprisingly, I was sandwiched in between Ashley and Jenn.  They had made some typical camping food, sloppy Joes and potato chips.  I passed on eating it obviously.  To me sloppy Joes look like dog shit and I don’t like the idea of my name being used in food titles.  Seriously, you all don’t realize how fucking insane it can be to eat a food that shares your name.  Also it doesn’t end there all night long its “Do you like your sloppy Joe?”, “Pass me another sloppy Joe,” and the worst of them all “you got sloppy Joe all over your face and hands.”  I was however looking forward to eating the ricecrispy squares they had made for dessert.  They were huge and covered in sprinkles.  My mouth watered at the sight of them.  I reached my hand out to grab one, but Jenn took them out of my reach.

“Tisk, tisk not before you’ve eaten some real food,” she said in a very nurturing tone.

She then sloped a Joe onto my plate, and Ashley shoved some potato chips and apple slices on my plate.  I reluctantly chewed on the apples and tried to think of a way to make that sloppy Joe disappear.  Then I thought of the ghost!

“Ghost,” I whispered to the locket.

“It’s Dollie,” said Dollie.

“Whatever, eat that sloppy Joe for me.”

“I’m not your dog to throw scraps to under the table!”

“That’s a good idea, ghost you can just take this food and throw it outside so the animals can eat it.”

“I don’t feel like going outside.  I want to stay here and listen to the conversations.  It’s actually a really interesting group dynamic here.  Ashley and Jenn are obviously sweet on you, and have been trying to get your attention all night.  Zeke is sweet on Ashley, or Maggie I don’t think he’s decided yet.  Chad is in LOVE with Jenn, and I think Maggie is sweet on Chad.  The only one I haven’t figured out it you, handsome.”

The ghost winked at me with her one eye, or did she just blink, it was hard to tell.

“Fuck that,I care about is getting rid of this fucking thing.  Why don’t you go and put this on Chad’s lap, he looks like the type to eat dog shit.”

I smiled evilly and looked right at Chad as I passed the ghost my plate under the table.  Chad locks eyes with me and we stare at each other intensely, both wanting what the other had.  A minute later Chad looks down, then screams at the top of his lungs.  He gets up from the table and falls backwards over his chair.  The sloppy Joe that the ghost delivered to him flew up into the air and landed on his face.  “Yo, Chad wastin’ sloppy Joes like that is straight up wack,” said Zeke and he smiled at Ashley.  Ashley Blushed a little.  Chad wiped the sloppy part of the Joe off his face.  “Yeah Chad, straight up wack,” I laughed and highfived the ghost under the table.  Maggie helped Chad clean the food off his face, goddamn lucky bastard!

With my plate of food gone, I finally got to eat those delicious rice crispy treats.  They were gooey, crunchy and marshmallowy delicious.  Every bite was better than the last, and covered in star shaped sprinkles.  I fucking love dessert and sprinkles, maybe a little too much.  I shoved another square into my mouth right away.  “You sure love your sweets, Joe,” said Jenn and took a bite of one of the treats, “You know I can be very sweet as well.”  She ripped off a piece of her Rice Crispy square and fed it to me.  “I can be very, very sweet,” she said and licked the sticky marshmallow off her finger.  “Like I’m sweet too,” said Ashley and shoved a whole square in my mouth.  I looked over at Maggie and she was talking to Zeke.  She wasn’t even paying attention to how desirable I was, but you know who was watching, fucking Chad.  He looked fucking miserable, like John Cusack in the goddam rain miserable.  I almost felt sorry for him until I realized that he fucking kidnapped me goddamit, Chad!

After dinner Chad suggested that we go to the living room to hang.  I ignored his suggestion, took another rice crispy square, and headed for the stairs.  Before I could disappear into my room, Jenn stopped me.  “You can’t go upstairs yet,” she said, “We still have to do the dares.”  She led me back to sit next to her on the couch.  Chad also sat on the couch next to Jenn, like a sad puppy.  Ashley and Maggie took the love seat and Zeke sat in the massage chair.  I couldn’t believe Chad’s family had a goddamn  massage chair and not a t.v.!  What kind of assholes lived in this house.  I bet they spend all their time reading books and stories like some sort of a nerdy loser.  I looked around the room and sure enough the bookshelves were filled will dusty old books, board games and other useless shit.  “Alright here are the rules,” said Maggie, “we roll a dice to see who goes first.  The person with the biggest number does the first dare and then we will go clockwise from there.”  “Here take this,” said Zeke, “I found them in one of those old board games.”  The dice was really old looking and seed like it was made out of bone or something.

“Uh oh, wo,” whispered the locket ghost.

“What?” I whispered.

“Those dice are from a cursed game of backgammon.”

“What the hell!  Is everything cursed in this house?,”

“Yeah, just about.”

“Fuck! What kind of curse, a good one or a bad one?”

“Are there any good curses?”

“Just tell me what the curse is!”

“Anyone who rolls the dice will get trapped in another dimension and forced to play a life or death game of backgammon with a demon.”

“That’s not so bad of a curse.”

“Are you kidding me woo?  It’s a horrible curse, and the backgammon demon is a right deadbeat.”

“You know him?”

“Yeah he comes out and eat all the vittles from the people who stop here, you know, before they all kick the bucket, woo.  He always leaves the kitchen a horrible mess and guess who would always clean up after him, woo?  I always had to do it woo.  That is until I got tossed in the lake.”

“You mean the person you were possessing at the time got tossed into the lake.”

“Hey, are you talking to yourself over there?” asked Jenn.

“Um… no.  Don’t roll the dice yet, Chad can I talk to you for a minute?” I said and pulled Chad into the kitchen.  “Let me go dickweed,” complained Chad and pulled his arm away from me.

“Chad, this whole fucking house is filled to the motherfucking brim with fucking cursed objects,” I said, “Just ask the ghost.”

“You mean Dollie?” asked Chad.

“Yeah the only fucking ghost we know!” I exclaimed.

“I find it hard to believe that we are in any real danger here.  I mean come on, we are just six high schoolers in my uncle’s cabin in the middle of the woods. OH MY GOD!! We’re all gonna DIE!” screamed Chad.

“We won’t die, we have the ghost to tell us when we are about to…”

“We’re starting without you!” yelled Maggie from the living room.  Chad and I ran into the room just in time to see Zeke toss the dice.

“NNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!” yelled Chad at the top of his lungs as a swirling vortex appeared right below Zeke’s massage chair.  The girls screamed at the top of their lungs as the vortex knocked over furneratue and broke the windows.  Shards of glass flew perilously through the air  “This is wack yo,” said Zeke as he fell into the vortex, chair and all.  “Quick,” said the ghost, “follow him into the vortex!”  Chad and I jumped in and soon found ourselves in another fucking dimension where the whole sky is black and the only light we had was that of a street lamp that shone on a table, two chairs.  On the table there was a backgammon board.  Soon Maggie and the other girls materialized out of thin air next to us.

“Do you see what I mean?” asked Dollie from inside the locket.

“No, what?” I said in a dry tone.

“The whole living room’s a powerful mess now and who do you think is going to clean it up?”

“Is your locket like talking to you?” asked Ashley.

“No idiot, lockets can’t talk, I am talking to the ghost inside the locket,” I said.

“No way, you actually found the locket!” exclaimed Maggie, “ Now that I think about it I think I knew we found it the whole time, only my memory gets a little foggy when I think what happened.”

“Anyway now you know I have the locket so you all have to do what I ask,” I said, “and I want you to fucking stay alive!”

Clap.  Clap.  Clap.  Came from the shadows as an ugly red demon in a suit stepped out into the light.  “Very nice speech,” he said sarcastically, “spoken like a true hero.”

“A hero?  Do you even know him?” asked Chad.

“Shut the fuck up Chad, I can fucking be the goddamn hero if I want to be!” I said.

“Please, there is nothing heroic or good about you, I bet this demon is a nicer guy than you are,” said Chad.

“Hey, I’m an evil demon.  I kill people and send them to hell, there is no way this kid is meaner than I am,” said the demon, “by the way, why are you not cowering in fear like these other fools?”

Ashley, Jenn, Maggie, and Zeke were crying and holding eachother.  The very sight of the demon sent them into hysterics.  Looking back on it the demon was pretty scary looking.  He had blood red skin, Two giant horns coming out of his fore head, pointy white teeth, and huge black eyes.  Despite him being ugly as sin his suit was very nice.  It looked like it might have been an Armani.

“Fuck you!  Who said we had to be afraid of you?” I said.

“Because I can do this!” he said and created a fireball in his hand.  The sight of it set the girls off screaming, and let’s just say Zeke definitely needed new pants.  Even Chad backed away. “This is what I use to kill the people who lose to me at backgammon.  Now which one of you rolled the cursed dice?”

“I, I am, yo,” said Zeke quietly.

“What did you say?” asked the demon.

“He’s the fucking dumbass who rolled the dice you dipshit,” I said.

“You are trying my last nerve boy.  I should just kill all of you now!” said the demon.

“Go ahead and try it,” I said.

The demon made the fireball in his hand grow to the size of a beach ball, and was about to throw it at me when the ghost came out of the locket.

“WAIT,” she said, “You can’t beef anyone until they lose to you at backgammon, Cornelius.  Those are the terms of your curse.”

“T-Terms of the c-curse?  What does that mean D-Dollie?” asked Chad.

“Well,” said the ghost, “you know how I couldn’t possess anyone unless they wore the locket, well those were my terms.  Cornelius’ terms are that he cannot kill anyone unless he beats them at backgammon first, so if he wants to kill Joe he has to roll the dice and beat him at backgammon first, woooo.”

“Hum, Dollie, is that what they’re calling you now?  You know I remember him calling you something different right before he shot your face off and spit on your cold, dead body,” said Cornelius.

“UUURRRGGG! I WAS MURDERED!!!!!!  I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!  AAAAAAHHHHHH I’M GOING TO KILL! KILL! KILL!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!” shouted the ghost.  She flew around very fast and screamed like a mad woman.  That stupid demon ruined all of my conditioning with a few words!  He looked right in my face and laughed as if he knew how pissed off I was.

“Calm down Dollie,” said Chad, “You don’t want to hurt anyone!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH  WWWWWOOOOOOOO!” screamed the ghost.

“Now you did it you creep!,” I shouted at Cornelious, “It took me forever to get her to calm down and now she’s flying around like a fucking banshee!  It’s goddamn annoying that’s what it is!”

“I can’t wait to cook you alive and feast on your insides you good for nothing punk,” said Cornelius.

“Fuck that, I’m the one that’s gonna be eating your red ass!”

“I’ve never hated a person so much before in my whole life!  I may not be able to kill you yet but I can burn that pretty face of yours off.”

“Fucking do it then!”

“NNNOOOOOOOO!” screamed Jenn, and bravely ran between Cornelius and me.  She threw her arms around my neck, and started to sob uncontrollably.  “Wow,” I thought, “she REALLY likes me.”  I could not say I’d do the same thing for her but it sort of flattering none the less.  The real prize, however was when I looked over and saw Chad’s face of pure jealousy.  It was priceless.  I put my arm around Jenn’s waist just to rub it in.  Cornelius threw his fireball right at my head despite Jenn’s effort to dissuade him.  Lucky for the both of us the ghost was rampaging and she moved right into the path of the fireball.  Needless to say, all the cold as hell ghost stuff mixed with the hot fire stuff and it all exploded.  BOOM!  Bits of fire and Ghost everywhere.  “You killed Dollie, you bastard!” shouted Chad.  “Good she won’t get in my way this time,” said Cornelius and readied another fireball.  The bits of ghost started moving and clumping together very quickly.  It was so fucking disgusting, it looked like a giant floating blob of snot.  “How dare you try and whooooop me with a fireball Cornelius!” shouted the Dollie blob.  She blew a cold wind toward Cornelius and blew out his fireball.  “Alright Dollie, you win this time,” he said, “but you can’t keep me from killing them after I win at backgammon.  Terms of the curse and all.”  Dollie returned to the locket like a genie returning to a lamp.

“Now Zeke,” said Cornelius, “it’s time to play a game of backgammon, to the death! Ha ha ha.”